What Holding a Grudge Really Costs You

Most of us would say we're doing our best to love our enemies. We're frustrated, maybe even furious, but we're trying. The problem is that most of the time, our version of "loving our enemies" is really just hoping God will change them. We pray they'll come around, see things our way, or finally realize how wrong they were. But what if the whole point of loving your enemies was never about reshaping them at all? What if it was always about God reshaping you?

When Jesus said, "Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you," He wasn't handing us a strategy for fixing difficult people. He was giving us a practice designed to transform us from the inside out. Every action item He gave, every instruction to pray, forgive, do good, and bless, is there to reform the one doing it, not the one receiving it.

When Loving Your Enemies Gets Personal

I've experienced this in real life. I've had several situations with people I wouldn't call enemies today, but they were in those moments. I've had friends in ministry, people I thought were friends, who said things about me that were 1,000% false. I knew it. And if they were honest with themselves, they knew it too. I had to sit there and watch them take incomplete information, run with it, and drag my reputation down.

I remember reading a verse very similar to this one and deciding I was going to pray for that person. But just like many of you, when I started praying, I made it all about them. God, turn their heart around. Let them see that what they're doing is wrong. I made every prayer about changing them.

Over time, though, my prayer life began to shift. I started asking different questions: God, why are You taking me through this? What is it that You want me to learn here? And I began to realize that the more I prayed, not prayers of change over them but prayers of blessing over them, something unlocked inside me toward that person. A sense of compassion. A sense of release. It softened me. When I saw that person again, something was different in me.

Why Loving Your Enemies Is Really About You

When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, He wants us to have somebody specific in mind. Someone we're at odds with. Someone where we know there's unfinished business. This isn't something we put on a t-shirt or make a public spectacle out of. It's a private, intentional response to the people who have harmed us.

So what does it actually look like? Let's walk through the practical instructions Scripture gives us.

Pray for Them (But Not the Way You Think)

The first thing Jesus says to do is pray. But not the way most of us instinctively pray. Don't pray that God does your bidding. Don't pray that He would just let them see things your way. Instead, pray that they would have a heart to see, to hear, and to experience the Father. Pray for their well-being. Pray for their success. Pray for their heart to be gripped by God and for the kingdom of God to advance through and in their life.

If you can pray that level of prayer over the man or woman who harmed you, I promise your eyes will be opened and you will begin to see them in a compassionate light.

I'm always blown away when something tragic happens and you see parents of a child who was killed stand up and say, "We forgive you. We've been praying for you." That kind of response only comes from people who truly understand that God is in control of this life and the life to come. They give the outcome of their situation to Him. And even in the midst of evil and harm, they channel their faith and say, "We want to pray God's blessing, that His kingdom would come in your life."

The first step is always prayer.

Forgive Them (And Yes, That Means Forgetting Too)

The second thing Jesus says is to forgive. We love to say, "Yeah, I forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to forget." But true forgiveness actually requires some level of forgetting. We're too self-protective here.

This isn't about running back to a bad relationship or a harmful situation. Forgiveness is releasing your ability to hold punishment over someone else's head. When I forgive someone, I don't just say, "I forgive you." I tend to say, "I forgive you, and I release you from any harm, punishment, or ill will. I want to walk in a new way in my relationship with you." That kind of forgiveness catches people off guard, but it sets both of you free.

You've got to learn to forgive people.

Do Good to Them

The third instruction is to do good to them. Finding a way to connect with an enemy takes serious intentionality, and it can be brutal. But the question is worth sitting with: how could you do good to someone right now who you are at odds with? What could you do? How could you choose to love that person in a very intentional and thoughtful way?

It seems simple. It's really hard to execute on.

Bless Them (Even When It Makes You Angry)

The last instruction is to bless them. This is multilayered, but at its core, it's about seeking their spiritual well-being. When you seek a blessing for an enemy, it runs counter to everything inside you. It almost makes you angry. But it significantly changes the landscape of your relationships, even with those you're at odds with.

All of these actions are active in nature. You have to press in. You have to extend grace rather than demand your desired outcome. You have to allow God to take control of the situation.

Loving Your Enemies Reveals What God Is Doing in You

Here's the truth that reframes everything: loving your enemies is not about you revealing your faith to everyone. It's about God refining the faith that's in you.

We tend to hold grudges. We like to keep people captive to our emotions, our hurt, and our pain. And we all know that holding onto that does more damage to us than it ever does to the other person.

How to FREE the People You've Been Holding Captive

So here's a framework to help you take action. When you find yourself holding someone captive to your hurt, remember the word FREE.

F: Forgive them. Make the decision to release the debt they owe you.

R: Release them. Let go of any punishment, ill will, or desire for revenge. Say it out loud if you need to.

E: Empathize with them. Ask yourself what they might be going through. Why would they have done such a thing, said such terrible things, or acted that way? Maybe there's hurt in them. Maybe something is going on beneath the surface. Instead of being so defensive that you're ready to strike back, stop and wonder: what's happening in their life?

E: Extend grace to them. After you've forgiven, released, and empathized, choose to extend the same grace that God has extended to you.

Forgive them. Release them. Empathize with them. Extend grace to them. That's how you FREE the people you've been holding captive, and in doing so, you free yourself.